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Monday, March 28, 2011

The art of dressing your own age

Good Morning Darlings,

I had a wonderful weekend which included a fabulous meet up with a dear old friend who now (unfortunately for me, but fabulous for her) calls the west coast home. She was in town for her boyfriend's brothers wedding and apparently it was quite a scene. First of all it took place on a boat, and there was booze involved. I would define this as a "booze cruise." And while booze cruises are probably the most fun thing you could ever possibly do while you are in college, I see no need to carry the tradition on any further.

The way S. tells it, the men (all approximately 38-42 years old) were wearing pastel oxfords and khakis. Here's the problem I have with this. Again, this look is great in college because you know that most boys still rely on their mothers to pick out any type of apparel for them that is to be worn to any type of kinda-sorta-maybe formal events. However, once we get past the point of cap and gown, it's completely unacceptable. It screams "I just roofied the jungle juice, even though I haven't been in a frat in 10 years." (Believe me, they were all in frats). The best part is that when this outfit comes on, all bets are off. Jaeger  shots become the norm for the evening and it is as if their date (at this point most likely wife and/or babymama) doesn't exist. This outfit is an outfit for the bros, not the ladies. The best (ahem, worst) part of this look are the accessories. This look usually comes complete with a pair of shiny black shoes (who told you you are allowed to wear black shoes with khakis? They are wrong and deserve to wear only polyester for the rest of their lives) that are usually too small and make the bro walk like this is his first time in dress shoes and he is attending his first middle school dance or something (not like I would know, I grew up in the city where we wore triplefivesoul hoodies and sambas to school dances).

Here's my first thought. It's a wedding, it's your friends wedding, and it's still not quite spring. Why not wear a jacket? A suit? A grey suit? Something appropriate for a daytime March wedding? Maybe you learn how to create an outfit not based on the likes and dislikes of your frat brothers? Maybe you flip through GQ once in a while, just to see what else is out there? I'm not getting my hopes up, you probably won't. But it would be nice if you did. And stopped doing shots of Jaeger at a wedding.

As for the ladies. Herve Leger makes bandage dresses. He should probably only make them in a size 2, because no one else looks good in them. I don't mean to sound mean, I mean I'm obviously not a size 2. There are plenty of other wonderful options for every type of body, but mini bandage dresses are not one of them. Your mini bandage dress is also almost certainly not made by Leger. It is made in a factory somewhere and the seams are all wrong and you are not wearing the correct undergarments. And your boobs are popping out, and the dress is ill fitting and are constantly tugging it down and you are wearing it with (I shudder at this thought) strappy sandals and maybe even nude hose. Excuse me while I go watch an episode of 'Saved by the bell' from 1992. Kelly Kapowski is the last person who could even think about getting away with that look. And you are creeping in on 40, and you might have a little more cellulite than you did when you were 23, and maybe a few varicose veins. It's okay ladies! We've all got that stuff! But the most important thing is that we learn how to dress ourselves so that we aren't flaunting it! And if you choose to include tendrils anywhere at all, well we can never be friends. ever.

All women should go out and invest in that one black dress that makes you feel fabulous. It's not going to be a minidress (I don't care how young or old you are), it's going to be tasteful and delicate. It's going to work for a wedding or the Orchestra on a Saturday night. It is going to make you feel like dancing in the middle of Broad Street.

And you will not wear a shrug with it. A shrug does nothing but accentuate the areas that aren't usually meant to be accentuated. You will have yourself a nice silk scarf that you can wrap around your shoulders. And if it is really cold, your date will offer you his jacket (which he will hopefully be wearing the next time you two go out). Your eyes will sparkle as he slips the beautifully tailored, silk lined jacket over your shoulders, and your senses will reignite when you smell his cologne on the collar. You will graciously thank him, take his hand, and put your nose in the air (where it belongs should you choose to follow my instructions).

What are my credentials? Well I guess I don't really have any. Unless you count being written up in the local news at the age of 18 for my outstanding style and trendsetting. Or years of Saturday school in design, or Parsons at the age of 17. Or my unfounded capability of maxing out credit cards by the age of 15 on nothing but costume jewelry and hot pink high heels.



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