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Friday, February 11, 2011

Be Mine.

Good Morning Darlings,

Perhaps it's my abhorrence of cards from the drug store, or maybe my disapproval of red roses with babys breath, or really it could be my disgust of chocolate that comes with a site map to tell you where everything is (my theory is: Who cares? If it's good chocolate, you are going to eat the whole box anyway). It doesn't matter exactly why I despise Valentines Day. I just do.

Here's how Valentines Day works in the average lifespan of a woman:

PreSchool Years: What's not to love about Vday? You get to have an extra special arts and crafts project AND get cards from ALL of your classmates (obviously, Valentines day cards in a classroom have become regulated) AND you probably get to eat cupcakes with pink frosting (gluten free, no tree nut products) in the middle of the day.

Elementary Years: The card giving is still compulsary, and I think that this is when parents start to judge one another. We used to make our Valentines to give to the class from doilies and construction paper and (my personal favourite) sequiiiins! Just about every one else in the class bought theirs at the drug store (you know, the Ninja Turtle themed rinky dink Valentines). (Side note: We were not a store bought family, in fact I am scared for life because my Queen Esther costume was the only handmade Purim costume at Hebrew preschool. Everyone else has store bought Purim costumes. Who even knew those existed? And of course, now I appreciate it, kind of, but it was really awful at the time. Sidebar to the sidebar: I'm pretty sure that it was also a recycled She-Ra Princess of Power costume from the previous years Halloween)  It's possible that this is when my mom starting realizing that she was probably the coolest and most creative mom in the class (Valentines day was only to be topped for my mother when she came and cooked Latkes in front of the class for Hannukah). The moral of the story is: This is when parents start to either judge one another for having too much time on their hands or not be hands on enough.

The Middle Years: This is when you stop having to give Valentines to everyone in the class. Perhaps this is when your school starts giving you the option of having a carnation delivered to your secret crush in the middle of class on Valentines Day. I don't know that I have to remind you that we were all pretty much our worst selves in Middle School. I had short blonde hair, wire-rimmed glasses, braces, AND pretty much my entire wardrobe was made out of synthethic fabrics. I probably wouldn't have spent a whole dollar on a red carnation to my middle school self either. Whoever came up with this "fundraising" strategy should be ashamed of themselves, because while the carnations died by the end of the day, your embarrassment from not getting a carnation can live forever.

The High School Years: A-ha! Puckerman never serenaded me in high school. Buut we always had to write valentines to one of our classmates in Spanish class. And one year in highschool I had to write a Valentine to the boy who I was having a torrid makeout affair with at the time. He was going skiing over Valentines day, so I believe that my Valentine went something like this :

Feliz Día de San Valentín 
Le deseo weren' esquí que va de te 
Espero que poder comer el almuerzo junto cuando usted vuelve y va quizá a un concierto

His Valentine to me went something like this: 

 Feliz Día de San Valentín 
Quieres vengarle a mi casa despues este clase?

I think that was the day I realized that all boys want the same thing.

The College Years: Red wine. Vodka. Red Wine. Vodka. Red Wine. Vodka. Floor.

The twentysomethings: What a waste. Valentines Day is awful. Dinner at restaurants for the entirety of the week is out of the question because everybody is serving prefixe menus where everything is red or everything is an aphrodisiac. Puhlease. I would rather rent The Royal Tenenbaums and eat some yogorino. 

The saving grace in all of this nonsense is Kate Spade. The company really knows how to handle the Valentine situation. Years ago, they made a great Valentines Tote, which I still carry often

And this year, you can send terrifically fabulous ecards through the website: 

So, I mean, if you must send some Valentines, at least do it this way (better for the environment) or set aside some time on Saturday to whip out the construction paper, doilies, and glitter. You can always call me if you need creative advice.




  1. I must admit, I love Valentine's Day. I just like any good reason to follow a theme and Valentine's Day is no exception. But, I totally agree that the public carnation delivery was a horrible idea for a fundraiser. Thank God my sister went to the same school and would send me a flower...

  2. i tried to dress up and go to fancy restaurant one year for valentines day. we got to the restaurant and i left. it made me uncomfortable. and i dont like pink. went back home, put on jeans and a tshirt and we closed out the bar while eating burgers accompanied by cheap wine and beer. lots of it. its a tradition i keep and adore.

    sidebar sidenote sidestory: the spanish national honor society did a fundraiser with roses. as vp of the honor society i had to pick up the roses from the florist morning of. they had thorns on them. i hand picked them all off. no one sent me one. happy effing vday to me.

    sidebar #2: my college years went more like: red wine, pink wine, white wine, jack, red wine, pin- FLOOR.